Saturday, March 30, 2013

Mikaela Shiffrin and Ted Ligety: Droids, Space Aliens, Or...?

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

American athletes are known for being poor sports. When they lose they throw tantrums, pout, or come up with excuses why they lost. US skiers Ted Ligety and Mikaela Shiffrin are two of the best sports in the World Cup. They always have good things to say about their opposition and are very gracious whether they win or lose a race. The Blickbild's intrepid researchers found out why Ted and Mikaela are such good sports. Even though our intrepid reporters and researchers are supposed to be on holiday, they just could not resist bringing our readers this exclusive interview with Ted and Mikaela that the others didn't dare to print.

BB: Are you both really American?
Ligety: Yes. I'm from Park City Utah.
Shiffrin: I'm also an all-American girl from Colorado. 
BB: But you can't be. You don't pout when you are second place like Lindsey Vonn did at World Cup finals in 2011. 
Shiffrin: When I was seven I was in a race and was second place because I made a mistake. I didn't want to get my medal because I usually beat the girl who won. But my mother pushed me onto the podium and told me to put on a happy face. She told me that I can't win all the time and I should be happy to be on the podium. That lesson stuck with me.
Ligety: My parents also taught me to be a good sport. Also, I am with the guys on the World Cup for almost half the year. We all have to get along. If I behaved like a jerk, then I would be very lonely.
BB: Come on, don't you feel like throwing your poles when you get beaten? 
Ligety: I've had my moments where I was upset with myself and wanted to throw my poles. But what would that accomplish? When I lose a race it's because the winner was better than me that day.
BB: So you are saying that in Garmisch this past season you really believe that Alexis Pinturault won the race because he was best that day? It wasn't because he was lucky with the wind or because you hit a rock on the course?
Ligety: Right. I made a mistake in the second run and Alexis did well in both. I didn't come to Garmisch to finish third, but Alexis was the best that day. I can't slack off this summer or he will keep beating me. He really pushed me to excellence this past season.
BB: Mikaela, you have praised Marlies Schild, Maria Hoefl-Riesch, and most recently Tina Maze. You said that half of your slalom globe belongs to Tina Maze. You didn't put out any "in your face" tweets about how lucky you were to win the slalom globe. 
Shiffrin: Marlies and Maria have been my idols. I still can't believe that I am on the podium with them. Tina also pushed me this season. I congratulate her on her overall globe and record number of points. She had an amazing season and deserved her success. Half of the slalom globe really does belong to Tina because she was so inspirational. She really pushed me to great performances and I hope she does again next season.
BB: Mikaela, Lindsey Vonn used to babysit for you. Do you remember her being your babysitter and did she pass on any of her experience to you?
Shiffrin: I don't remember too much about Lindsey being my babysitter. The only time I remember her babysitting me was when I was about 3 and accidently wet myself. She didn't want to change my clothing because she was too busy watching "Entertainment Tonight" and "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." She said that she wanted to be like the people on those shows and told me she was too good to help me change my clothes. I had to sit in wet pants until my mother picked me up. I think that was the last time that Lindsey babysat for me.
BB: Here is the question that the whole ski world has been asking. Are you really droids?
Shiffrin: What? How could we be droids? I am human.
BB: Both of you are practically unbeatable in your respective specialties. You almost seem to be machines.
Ligety: No, we are not droids. Both Mikaela and I express emotion. Droids have no emotion.
BB: You have a good point. (slight pause)  Mikaela, tell our readers about having your mother on the World Cup tour with you.
Shiffrin: I just turned 18 and still need my mother. She home schools me, takes care of my needs, and keeps me from getting a big head. I don't know what I would do without her. I'm still in high school and most high school students live with their mothers, so there's nothing weird about having her on tour with me. Mom is awesome.
BB: How do we know that the woman you call your mother is really your mother? Isn't she really an officer on your mother ship?
Shiffrin: My mother ship?
BB: Yes, your mother ship. Your talent is unbelievable. Most ski racers who just turned 18 have not competed at the World Cup level, let alone win four races, a world championship gold medal, and a crystal globe. You are also too nice to be true. 
Shiffrin: Are you implying that I am a space alien?
BB: Yes. And Ted too. Our intrepid researchers have found out that both of you have talent that  is too high for mere mortal ski racers. You are really aliens from another planet!
Ligety: I'm not a space alien. I was born in the USA and I'm perfectly human.
BB: You are from one of those planets where the aliens disguise themselves to look like the people on the planet that they land on. 
Ligety: Come on, space aliens don't speak English.
BB: Someone never watched Star Trek or other old science fiction movies and TV programs where the aliens all speak perfect English. 
Ligety: I didn't watch TV when I was a kid because I was busy racing and training.
BB: That also explains your sportsmanship. You have to be an alien to be American and a good sport. That also explains how Mikaela's so-called mother keeps her in line. 
Ligety: I'm not a space alien. Neither is Mikaela.
Shiffrin: Where are you coming up with this stuff? I'm not a droid or a space alien. My mother is my mother and not a space commander. Both Ted and I have been blessed with talent and the opportunity to use it.
BB: We have the most intrepid researchers in the business. We find things that the others miss. (pause). There is only one more explanation why both of you are such good sports...your parents are really Soviet sleeper agents!
Ligety: But the Soviet Union doesn't exist anymore.
BB: That's right. But the Soviets left behind a lot of sleeper agents in the States because they couldn't afford to bring them back to Russia. Ted, your father's real name is Ivan Pavlovich Ligyetov. He came to the States as a teenager but he was never activated as an agent. And Mikaela, your mother is really Irina Ivanova Shiffrinina, also a Soviet sleeper agent. 
Shiffrin: My mother is a patriotic American. She is not Soviet or Russian. I had a typical American childhood.
BB: Exactly! You were brought up to be American. But the KGB sleeper agent school isn't perfect. Instead of learning how to be a sore loser, like most American athletes do, you became good sports.
Shiffrin: That's crazy!
Ligety: Mikaela is right. That's ridiculous!
BB: Didn't your parents tell you to blend in and not do anything to stand out? 
Ligety: Yes. But I imagine that a lot of parents tell their kids the same thing.
BB: You were also warned about throwing public tantrums because then you would be noticed, right?
Shiffrin: That's right. Mom told me that pouting, throwing things, or having any sort of public tantrum would not be tolerated.
BB: She also probably told you that you would be sent to a special camp if you misbehaved.
Shiffrin: Yes. But my friends' parents would say that they would send my friends to special schools for  wayward boys and girls as a threat. I thought that my mother meant the same thing. It sounded more like a threat than an actual punishment. Nevertheless, I have always done my best to behave properly.
BB: And I bet your parents talked to you about achieving glory through sports.
Shiffrin: Yes! Mom used to tell me that I would help to bring glory to my country through sports.
Ligety: My parents said the same thing. They wanted me to win Olympic and world championship medals to bring glory to my country.
BB: Did you have rooms in your houses where you were forbidden to go?
Ligety: Yes! One day I sneaked into my father's office, where I wasn't supposed to enter. But I did and found a radio with Russian writing on it. I didn't really think anything of it because my father liked to collect Russian things.
Shiffrin: My mother also had a sewing room that I couldn't go into. One day I needed my mother for something and was about to knock on the sewing room door. I heard my mother saying something that I couldn't understand. I thought that she was speaking in tongues. But after being on the World Cup and talking to the Russian skiers, I realized she was speaking Russian.
BB: That explains a lot. Now fans of World Cup skiing understand why you are two of the nicest people on the World Cup and such great sports. If more American athletes were raised by Soviet sleeper agents, maybe they would be more like you. We at the Blickbild wish both of you continued success. 
Ligety: Thank you. This has certainly been an interesting interview. I wouldn't expect anything less from the Blickbild.
Shiffrin: Thank you. I feel so honored to be selected by the Blickbild for this interview. The Blickbild has always been one of my favorites.
BB: And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: Our journalists are not droids, space aliens, or sleeper agents. They are just naturally intrepid.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Lindsey Vonn Dating Tiger Woods (and more)

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

US skier Lindsey Vonn and golfer Tiger Woods just announced on their Facebook pages that they have been dating each other. While the others have already reported this news, the Blickbild gives its unique perspective on their relationship. In addtion, during a recent interview on Austrian TV, Ms. Vonn admitted that she was bored. The Blickbild, which is always ready to aid those in need, decided to help Ms. Vonn find a solution to her boredom. We sent one of our intrepid reporters to high schools around the USA to ask teenagers to help find a way to alleviate her boredom. Lindsey has always been one of the Blickbild's favorite interview subjects. She granted us an interview to talk about her relationship with Tiger, her boredom, and her lawsuit against Slovenia.
BB: Your relationship with Tiger Woods is not a big secret. You went home from Schladming on his plane and spent time on his yacht before the World Cup finals. Why did you choose now to announce that you are dating?
Vonn: My relationship with Tiger sure has not been a very good secret. We started off as friends and then the relationship blossomed into something more in the past few months. We are very happy together. I chose after the World Cup finals to announce that Tiger and I are dating for two reasons. The first is that I felt that Tina Maze got enough media attention for her records this season. Do people really care about a skier from an insignificant country?
BB: Only when a skier from what you call an insignificant country sets records that may possibly never be broken. What Tina did this season was remarkable and may never be repeated.
Vonn: She only did so well because I took time off because of my belly aches, depression, and knee injury. I don't want to talk about it because I was supposed to be the first woman to 2000 points. It makes me depressed just thinking about what Tina did this season.
BB:  Please tell our readers the second reason why you decided to announce your relationship.
Vonn: With both Tina and Mikaela Shiffrin getting all of the attention, people were starting to forget about me. I am doing everything that I can to promote both myself and Alpine skiing in the States. Therefore, I needed to shift the spotlight back onto me, where it belongs. It took me less than a week from the end of World Cup finals to now to get back into the limelight.
BB: Don't you think that Ted Ligety and Mikaela Shiffrin's success both on the World Cup and in Schladming this season would help keep Alpine skiing in the US public eye?
Vonn: Maybe. But Ted and Mikaela aren't me. Neither of them has accomplished what I have.
BB: Right. Would you like to teach Tiger's kids how to ski?
Vonn: Yes! That is one of the things I plan to do. It will also help me with my rehab.
BB: During the 2010 Olympics you criticized Tiger for being unfaithful to his wife. Yet here you are with that same person that you publicly slammed. Aren't you worried that Tiger is going to cheat on you?
Vonn: No. I got to know Tiger and realize now why he cheated on his wife. I was able to forgive him and we have taken our relationship to the next stage. Anyway, he is also a celebrity. It wouldn't do for me to date an ordinary man. Now every time that Tiger gets mentioned in the media, I will be too.
BB:  First you came out and announced your relationship with Tiger. Then you said that you wanted to keep it private. How do you possibly plan to keep things private when you tweet about what you and Tiger did? We saw one of your tweets, which said, "Tiger and I went to second base," and another which said, "Went to third base with Tiger. Roger who?"
Vonn: I have to announce these things so that people know that my relationship with Tiger is real. But I hope that people don't go around spreading those tweets. We want to keep things between us private.
BB: I see. But if you really want to keep things private, you shouldn't be tweeting about going to second and third bases. You should just let people guess what you're doing.
Vonn: Well that's no fun! And it's not proper. If I don't keep tweeting about what I'm doing with Tiger, then people won't know what's going on. Part of my responsibility as a celebrity is keeping my fans informed. But true fans won't spread my tweets and will respect my privacy, right?
BB: Of course. Isn't the real reason you're with Tiger because Roger Federer is married and you can't have him?
Vonn: How did that get out? Tiger wasn't supposed to know that he was my backup in case things didn't work out with Roger. Unfortunately, Roger is devoted to his wife and daughters and he won't leave his wife for me. But Tiger is a good enough substitute because he is also a famous athlete.
BB: You have to remember that the Blickbild has the world's most intrepid research team. We know everything.
Vonn: Please don't tell Tiger that he was my second choice and that Roger was my first.
BB: We don't have to. You just did. (pause) You recently filed a lawsuit against the country of Slovenia. How is that proceeding? Any word on whether it has been ruled valid?
Vonn: I don't know. Daddy is my lawyer and he is handling all of the legal stuff so I can concentrate on rehab for my knee. I want to be ready to race in Lake Lindsey this season. But Daddy is a very good lawyer and he will take care of all of that legal stuff so I can concentrate on skiing and winning another Olympic gold medal.
BB: When do you think you will get a ruling?
Vonn: Hopefully during the off-season so that I have another reason to stay in the public eye. (short pause) Hey, aren't you going to ask me where Slovenia is?
BB: No. I wouldn't want you to embarrass yourself.
Vonn: I know exactly where it is because I have competed in Maribor many times. I'm prepared for your trick questions. (pulls out a pocket map of the world). It's right here. (points to Sri Lanka)
BB: That's Sri Lanka and not Slovenia. You don't even have the right continent. Slovenia is in Europe and Sri Lanka is in Asia.
Vonn: It's very easy to mix them up. They both start with S, end with A, and have eight letters.
BB: You have a point there. (short pause)  You mentioned in a recent interview on Austrian TV that you are bored. How can you possibly be bored when you have a new boyfriend and are going to the gym to rehab your knee?
Vonn: Being with Tiger is great, but it still doesn't compare to being on the top step of a World Cup race podium. I go to the gym, but have to do the same exercises for my knee. Yawn!  I spend most of my time watching "Law and Order" and "Game of Thrones." I have seen every "Law and Order" episode ever made, including all of the spinoffs. I am also an avid watcher of "Wheel of Fortune," "Malcolm in the Middle" reruns, "Wife Swap," "Extreme Makeover," "Dancing With The Stars,"  and "Two and a Half Men." I tried watching "Big Bang Theory," but I couldn't understand a lot of what the characters were saying. I also can't watch ski racing on TV because it makes me depressed. Other than watching TV, there is nothing to do.
BB: The Blickbild has decided to help solve your boredom problem. As everyone knows, teenagers are always complaining about being bored. We sent some of our intrepid reporters to high schools around the US to ask teenagers how they deal with boredom. Would you like to hear what they had to say?
Vonn: Yes. Oh, did I mention that Maria Sharipova sent me a tweet and Roger sent me flowers? But after a few minutes I got bored again.
BB: Several of the high school students said to read a good book. If you get absorbed in a story, then time goes by very quickly.
Vonn: That sounds good, but what happens when I finish the book?
BB: You can read another one. Other students suggested getting a boyfriend and spending time with him. But you already have a new boyfriend.
Vonn: Do you know how boring it was on Tiger's yacht? The only thing I could see was water and more water.
BB: Another suggestion from the students was to take a class at a local community college.
Vonn: What would I possibly learn?
BB: Well there is that new language requirement that will be in effect next season. (see this story). You could learn one of the required Latin-based languages and either a Slavic or Scandinavian one. You would be one step ahead of the competition.
Vonn: I already am one step ahead of the competition, even with my bum knee. That's why I want to race against men. The women are so boring.
BB: Or you and the rest of your family could take a geography class.
Vonn: That also sounds boring. What else did the teens suggest?
BB: Doing volunteer work. You could find an organization that you like and volunteer there. Places like libraries, schools, hospitals, and homeless shelters are always looking for volunteers.
Vonn: That sounds boring too. Anyway, I don't want to go near another hospital.
BB: A few of the teens suggested taking up knitting or crocheting. That really helps to pass the time.
Vonn: And what would I do when I finished knitting a sweater? I'd have to knit something else or I would just get bored again.
BB: One popular suggestion was to get a hobby. Maybe taking up painting, playing an instrument, gardening, playing video games, surfing the Internet, studying the Bible, collecting stamps or coins, or photography.
Vonn: None of those things sound very interesting.
BB: We are now out of good suggestions. What are your interests?
Vonn: Winning ski races, setting records, establishing a legacy, giving interviews, and being famous. I also like going to different celebrity functions.
BB: One day you will have to retire from ski racing. You will also lose your looks as you get older. Don't you think it's a good idea to find something to do that will help you in the future?
Vonn: I don't want to think about my future. It's too depressing to imagine a life away from winning races and the red carpet. Anyway, I plan to continue racing forever, so I don't have to worry about retirement. Tiger and I will get married and have kids. I will teach our kids to ski and be real winners.
BB: I see. Well, it looks like our time has come to an end. As always, you have been a very interesting interview subject. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: I'm bored. 

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Mummy's Curse in Lenzerheide

 A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

After a season in which very few races were cancelled, the first four races of World Cup Finals in Lenzerheide had to be cancelled due to bad weather. Unlike mid-season races, cancelled final races cannot be made up. It seemed like Mother Nature was conspiring against the racers, especially those who had a mathematical chance of winning a small globe. But as the Blickbild's intrepid research team found out, Mother Nature was not the only force affecting the weather. An ancient mummy's curse was also at work in Lenzerheide. Here to talk about this curse is the German Ski Federation's (DSV) witch doctor, Dr. Mabongo.

BB: Dr. Mabongo, bad weather is a part of ski racing. Isn't the weather in Lenzerheide just normal bad late winter weather?
Dr. Mabongo: No. The timing was too coincidental to be ordinary bad weather. Lenzerheide's weather the past two days was from a mummy's curse. The same curse was also responsible for the weather in 2011, which forced four final races to be cancelled.
BB: One usually associates curses with ancient Egyptian mummies. For example, the people who discovered King Tut's tomb were cursed by his mummy. Our intrepid research team found out that there are very few Egyptian mummies in the Swiss Alps.
Dr. Mabongo: That is true. But there are mummies like Oetzi the Iceman all over the Alps. There are even mummies in some of the museums in the Lenzerheide area. My colleagues and I think that the curse was from a mummy like Oetzi.
BB: Your colleagues?
Dr. Mabongo: Germany is not the only team with its own witch doctor. Italy and France also have a team witch doctor. In fact, the French and Italian witch doctors come from villages in the Congo close to mine. We actually knew each other before being hired by our respective ski teams. 
BB: I see. Before 2011 Lenzerheide was quite a reliable venue for World Cup finals. But since 2011 bad weather has plagued the finals. What happened in 2011 to set off a mummy's curse?
Dr. Mabongo: The US ski team decided to visit one of the local museums which had a mummy. One of the skiers got overly curious and thought it would be funny to try and open the case where the mummy was lying. She was not successful, though she managed to steal a mummy key ring from the museum gift shop. The next day the women's Super-G race had to be cancelled because of bad weather. The weather continued to wreak havoc with the finals. The final giant slalom races were also cancelled because of weather and snow conditions.
BB: Did anyone back in 2011 connect the theft of the mummy key ring to the weather?
Dr. Mabongo: No. There were some theories floating around about how the Germans conspired to control the weather so that Maria Riesch would win the overall globe. But it was really an American skier stealing a key ring which angered the museum's mummy. Sadly, nobody knew about the theft.
BB: And the current weather in Lenzerheide also stems from that stolen key ring?
Dr. Mabongo: That's right. There is an inscription inside the mummy's sarcophagus that says that anyone who disturbs the mummy or tries to steal anything of his will activate a curse that will bring doom to those who want to race in Lenzerheide.
BB: It doesn't seem like a mass-produced key ring with the mummy's likeness on it would qualify as something that actually belongs to him.
Dr. Mabongo: That is where you and most others are wrong. Anything that depicts the mummy is a part of him and therefore his property.
BB: That makes sense. If the skier who stole the key ring were to return it, would the curse be lifted?
Dr. Mabongo: It is possible. If the key ring were returned, there is a good possibility of the curse being lifted. But there is one problem. The skier who took the key ring is not in Lenzerheide.
BB: What if someone from the US ski team went into the museum gift shop and paid for the stolen key ring? Could that also lift the curse?
Dr. Mabongo: No. The stolen key ring must be returned. If the skier really wants it, she can pay for it and then the curse will be lifted.
BB: Was Austrian skier Klaus Kroell's injury also caused by the mummy's curse?
Dr. Mabongo: Yes. Even though it was an American who took the key ring, the curse affects anyone who races in Lenzerheide. The way that Klaus fell was very unusual because of the mummy's curse. Leadoff skier Gauthier de Tessieres also had a near miss when he went off-balance on one ski. The mummy was obviously angry and tried to get him to fall. But somehow he had protection because he ended up leading the race up until it was aborted. He was wearing special juju beads that the French team's witch doctor gave him. Maybe those beads were enough to prevent Gauthier from being injured.
BB: You are an expert in voodoo, magic, and the use of juju beads. Can't you and your colleagues use your witch doctor powers to lift the mummy's curse?
Dr. Mabongo: A mummy's curse is stronger than the powers of every witch doctor put together. I'm afraid that we cannot lift the mummy's curse and bring better weather to Lenzerheide. We can do our best to help heal those who are affected by the curse, but we don't have the power to lift it.
BB: So there will be poor weather for the rest of the World Cup finals?
Dr. Mabongo: That is a good possibility. Or if the weather clears, there could be more injuries.
BB: Oh dear! That doesn't bode well for the rest of the finals at all.
Dr. Mabongo: Wait a minute! I'm getting a strong vibration...the skier who stole the key ring is here in Lenzerheide after all. She was on a big boat earlier, but she decided to come for the final races.
BB: So the museum gift shop can get the key ring back and lift the mummy's curse?
Dr. Mabongo: Unfortunately she does not have the key ring anymore. Even if she did, she would be impossible to approach because she is surrounded by bodyguards. What is very weird is that she seems to be the only person in Lenzerheide who is happy about the bad weather and the race cancellations. While everyone else seems depressed about the situation here, she is smiling and having a good time even though she is on crutches.
BB: So you are saying that any future final races in Lenzerheide will be cursed?
Dr. Mabongo: Correct. The FIS really needs to find a different venue for its finals. If the FIS insists on holding World Cup finals in Lenzerheide, bad things will continue to happen because of the mummy's curse.
BB: How can the athletes and fans persuade the FIS to change the location for its World Cup finals without sounding insane?
Dr. Mabongo: Everyone will understand about an ancient mummy's curse. That is not insane at all. Insanity would be continuing to have the finals in a location that is cursed.
BB: That is true. Well Dr. Mabongo, I want to thank you for a very insightful interview. Nobody would ever have thought that the problems in Lenzerheide were caused by a mummy's curse. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We are not cursed by a mummy, we are simply insane.

The Boston Blickbild is on Facebook. If  you enjoy our unique perspective on World Cup Alpine skiing, please like us on Facebook.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

FIS Talks Break Down; War Looms With Slovenia

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 The talks between Lindsey Vonn's father Alan Kildow and the International Ski Federation (FIS) have broken down. In order to avoid going to war with the country of Slovenia, Kildow and the FIS were negotiating with the other women in the World Cup to give their points and globes to his daughter. Slovenian skier Tina Maze is insisting on keeping her points and globes from this season. Both sides appear to be at an impasse. Vonn, with her father Alan Kildow as her attorney, just filed a motion at the Vail County Courthouse to sue the nation of Slovenia for loss of legacy and mental anguish. One of our intrepid reporters was immediately sent to Vail to cover this story and was able to interview Lindsey's sister Karin Kildow and also Slovenian Ski Association president Primoz Ulaga.

BB: Ms. Kildow, I will start with you. (pulling out a map of Europe)  Can you show me where Slovenia is located?
Kildow: (looking at the map) I know it's in Europe....I think it's around here somewhere (points in the area of Armenia, Azerbaijan and Georgia), but I can't seem to find it.........Maybe it doesn't really exist...................Is this a trick question?
BB: Evidently it is for you and your family, but for the rest of the world it isn't.  Slovenia really exists and I'm sure that Mr. Ulaga can find it. (shows map to Mr. Ulaga)
Ulaga: (rolling his eyes) It's right here! (points to Slovenia)
Kildow: Wow, you found it so quickly! How did you do that? (Mr. Ulaga just shakes his head)
BB: Okay. Ms. Kildow, you are the third person in your family who could not find Slovenia. You were not even sure that Slovenia really existed until Mr. Ulaga pointed it out to you. How can your family sue a country that they cannot even find on a map or don't believe is a real place?
Kildow: Daddy says it's our right to sue anyone we want to because we are Americans. It doesn't matter if the people we're suing are real or on TV or in the movies.
BB: I see. Tell us how Lindsey is doing now. I am sure she is overjoyed at winning the downhill globe because of the final downhill being cancelled due to heavy fog.
Kildow: She is on Tiger Woods' yacht and is having a good time. Of course she is happy about winning the downhill globe. Safety is very important to her. If races had to be cancelled because of bad weather, then the conditions were obviously unsafe. Anyway, this is cosmic payback for what happened to Lindsey in Lenzerheide two years ago, when she lost the overall globe because of race cancellations. The ski gods finally have their revenge!
BB: Since Lindsey had the experience of losing a title by a small margin due to race cancellations, I would have thought that she would be sympathetic and show some empathy toward Tina Maze. But her tweet from Tiger's yacht was very arrogant and "in your face." 
Kildow: Of course Lindsey would not have any sympathy for Tina because Tina was better than her all season. Would you be sympathetic toward your opponents?
BB: Some athletes are actually good sports and are complimentary toward their competitors. Aksel Lund Svindal and Ted Ligety come to mind as being great athletes who respect the opposition. Lindsey obviously does not fall into that category.  (pause) Tell our readers what happened today at the courthouse.
Kildow: Daddy filed some papers with the court. Lindsey is going to sue Slovenia for the following things: mental anguish, loss of records and legacy, and for pain and suffering due to depression and belly aches.
BB: Let's start with the loss of records and legacy. Aren't records meant to be broken?
Kildow: Maybe for ordinary athletes, but Lindsey is special. Her records and legacy are the most important things in the world to her. Without them, she is nobody. People in the States don't care about skiing, so Lindsey is using her records and legacy to promote the sport. But when someone breaks Lindsey's records, then she is no longer the best and nobody will want her on their talk shows. Tina took away Lindsey's legacy of having the most points by a woman, the biggest margin of victory, and the most podium places in a season.
BB: Lindsey never held the record for most podium finishes in a season. Our intrepid researchers learned that both Hanni Wenzel and Pernilla Wiberg had that record before Tina Maze broke it.  Wenzel is from Liechtenstein and Wiberg from Sweden. They have no connection to Slovenia. 
Kildow: Well Lindsey should have had the record for most podium finishes in a season but Tina has it instead.  Hanni Wenzel and Pernilla Wiberg competed before Lindsey's time, so they didn't contribute to her suffering. Tina is the biggest reason that Lindsey suffered so much this season and she's from Slovenia. I would imagine that Tina's parents and the rest of her family are also from Slovenia. I bet most of her friends are from Slovenia too. The rest of the country is guilty by association.
BB: Tell our readers about Lindsey's mental anguish. I'm sure that she is feeling a lot better now that she has the downhill globe. 
Kildow: No she isn't. Lindsey wants all the globes, just like she planned at the beginning of the season.  Lindsey also wants Tina's points so that she will have the record for points in a season. Lindsey was supposed to be the first woman to earn 2000 points in a season. Tina's refusal to give Lindsey her points is making her depressed.
BB: Which is why she is hanging out on Tiger Woods' yacht. She can't be experiencing too much pain, suffering, and depression on a luxury yacht. 
Kildow: Tina doing so well this season was one of the main causes of Lindsey's belly aches and depression. You can't imagine how painful Lindsey's belly aches were! She was suffering so much from them. Nobody is supposed to be better than Lindsey and Tina was. She must be taught a lesson.  I think that suing Slovenia sends the message that nobody messes with Lindsey and gets away with it.
BB: Tell our readers what Lindsey is planning to achieve through suing Slovenia.
Kildow: She will get all of the records that she is entitled to and her legacy will be intact. Tina Maze will also realize who the real World Cup champion is and be put back in her place. The people in Slovenia will also realize that Tina is a big disgrace and disown her after they have to pay for what they did to my sister. If nobody in Slovenia wants to compensate Lindsey for her traumatic season, then we will declare war!
BB: Let's say that a judge doesn't laugh Lindsey out of his courtroom and allows this suit against Slovenia to proceed. But after all of the evidence is presented, you still lose your case. What will you do then?
Kildow: We won't lose. Lindsey never loses.
BB: I see. Mr. Ulaga, what do you think of Lindsey Vonn's lawsuit against Slovenia?
Ulaga: Everyone in Slovenia thinks it is a big joke, especially since nobody in the Kildow family can even find my country.
BB: Is Slovenia planning to counter-sue Vonn? After all Lindsey got the downhill globe because of a race cancellation. Tina wanted to win all 5 globes going into the finals. 
Ulaga: It's ridiculous that Ms. Vonn is suing my country. Why would we sue her back? That is an even crazier idea than her suing Slovenia. I think the judge will throw the case out.
BB: Do your countrymen want Tina to give her points and globes to Lindsey so that she feels better and drops her lawsuit?
Ulaga: Hell no! Lindsey is just another skier from the States who happened to win an Olympic gold medal. But Tina is a national heroine in Slovenia. The whole country is behind Tina and will support her quest to keep her points and globes.
BB: Let's say that Lindsey wins her case against Slovenia. Do you really think it's worth going to war with the powerful USA because Slovenia wouldn't be able to pay the judgement? Wouldn't everyone benefit from just letting Lindsey have all of Tina's points and globes?
Ulaga: Yes, going to war would be worth it. Slovenia may be a small country, but we will not be pushed around by a big bully. If Lindsey really feels that bad, she should take an anti-depressant or take up yoga or jogging.
BB: Wouldn't the Slovenian people feel guilty if the wrong country gets bombed because nobody can find Slovenia?
Ulaga: It is really the fault of my countrymen that Americans can't read a map?
Kildow: Reading maps of Europe is hard! There are so many little countries. It's a wonder that people there don't get lost all the time. I was always getting lost when I was in Europe with Lindsey because the signs are all in foreign languages that nobody can understand.
BB: Oh those crazy Europeans and their foreign languages! Anyway, Mr. Ulaga, don't you or the Slovenian people feel the least bit sorry for Lindsey because of her belly aches, depression, divorce, tax problems, and knee injury?
Ulaga: No. She brought those problems on herself. If she were nicer, maybe we would feel differently.
Kildow: Lindsey is very nice! Tina is the unfriendly one in this situation. If Tina were as nice as Lindsey, she would give in and let Lindsey have her points and globes. Now I understand why Daddy couldn't make any progress with the FIS. You Slovenians are not very nice people.
BB: Ms. Kildow, is that really wise to judge a whole country by the behavior of a couple of its people? 
Kildow: Yes. Mr. Ulaga thinks that he's Mr. Smarty Pants because he found Slovenia on your map. And Tina is very mean because she won't give Lindsey her points and globes. I bet that Maria would give Lindsey her points and globes if she were asked to. Maria is a true friend!
Ulaga: If Lindsey really wants 2000 points and all five globes, let her earn them the old fashioned way next season. It was bad enough that Tina had to give Lindsey all of her medals from Schladming.
Kildow: Lindsey deserved those medals because she got hurt. It was very unsafe in Schladming.
BB: Assuming the judge who reads your father's motion for a lawsuit against Slovenia decides to proceed to a trial, when would the proceedings begin?
Kildow: I don't know. But Daddy said that he only needs a week to prepare a winning case.
BB: Of course he does.  I would like each of you to tell our readers why you think you will prevail if this suit gets approved. Ms. Kildow, you go first.
Kildow: We will win because everyone knows that Lindsey is entitled to every skiing record. During the trial she will also go on the talk shows to get sympathy for her plight. When people hear her story, they will be on her side.
Ulaga: Tina earned her records, points, and globes on her own. She also has the power of all 2 million of her countrymen supporting her in her fight to keep her globes and points. The rest of the world is also behind Tina.
BB: What do you think is the possibility of the USA going to war with Slovenia if this case does not go to trial?
Ulaga: It won't come down to that. I think that most people in the States think that this lawsuit is a joke.
Kildow: It is not a joke! It is very serious! You'll see how serious it is when your capital city of Moscow gets bombed into oblivion.
Ulaga: Moscow is the capital of Russia. Slovenia's capital is Ljubljana.
Kildow: There you go again, thinking that you're smarter than everyone else. No wonder Lindsey wants to sue your country. Nobody likes intellectual snobs like you. If everyone in your country is nerdy like you, we are in trouble!
BB: Let's save the arguments for the courtroom and hope that it doesn't come down to full-scale war. I want to thank both of you for your time. The Blickbild will have a reporter in Vail to keep its readers updated on all of the proceedings in Vonn versus Slovenia. And that concludes another exclusive Boston Blickbild interview. 

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We know the difference between Moscow and Ljubljana.

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Sunday, March 10, 2013

Austrian Smuggling Ring Uncovered in Garmisch

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 US skier Julia Mancuso's Go-Pro camera is still missing and may never  be recovered. While searching for the culprit who stole it, and the person who made a death threat to Slovenian skier Tina Maze, the German police discovered that several of the Austrian skiers were involved in a theft and smuggling ring. We dispatched one of our intrepid reporters to Garmisch with the hope of talking with the police chief, but he was unavailable. We then tried to talk to the Rosenheim police chief, but he had just resigned in disgrace. Not to be deterred, our intrepid reporter was able to find not one, but two, actors who play detectives on TV who were willing to be interviewed about the case. The Blickbild presents an interview with Jan Dose and Max Mueller. Jan plays Kriminalkommissar Robert Baehr in the ZDF TV series Die Garmisch Cops. Max plays Polizeikommissar Michael "Michi" Mohr in the ZDF TV series Die Rosenheim Cops.

BB: Who discovered this theft and smuggling ring, Die Rosenheim Cops, Die Garmisch Cops, or the real police?
Dose: I would like to think that my fellow cast members and I had a hand in solving the crime. We are always willing to help the real law enforcement officers.
Mueller: My fellow cast members and I were probably more instrumental than yours. After all, my program has been on the air ten years longer. Die Rosenheim Cops have much more experience than Die Garmisch Cops when it comes to solving tough crimes. My show is better than yours!
BB: Our readers who live in Germany can decide for themselves which program they prefer. In the meantime, tell our readers how this theft ring worked.
Mueller: It was quite a sophisticated system. One of the Austrian skiers would steal a small item from another skier. This would be something that would not necessarily be missed, like a hat or glove liners. When an Austrian fan would ask the skier for an autograph or to pose for a photo, the skier would give the fan the stolen item as a gift. It would then end up back in Austria with the fan.
BB: A lot of questions come to mind. The first is we know that these items were being sold on the black market and the money was going to the Austrian Ski Federation (OeSV). How were the skiers able to retrieve the stolen items from the fans?
Mueller: Here is what made the system work. When the fan received the stolen item, the skier also gave him or her an autograph card with a very tiny tracking device in it. The skiers involved in the ring would use the signal from the autograph card to find the fan and the item and then get it back.
BB: How would the skiers figure out that a fan was Austrian?
Mueller: By the accent. Anyone brought up in Austria can figure out all of the different Austrian regional accents.
BB: And how were the skiers able to convince the recipients of the stolen items to give them back?
Mueller: The skiers would send one of their servicemen to get the items.
BB: I am assuming that no Mafia hit men were involved?
Dose: It's my turn to answer the question.
Mueller: Hey, you had a whole interview to yourself. Remember, junior, I have more experience playing a detective than you do.
BB: You two are as bad as five-year-olds with your bickering. It's a wonder that the Garmisch and Rosenheim Cops are able to solve any crimes. Anyway, were Mafia hit men involved in getting the stolen items back from the fans?
Dose: No. The Austrian skiers appear to have civilized sponsors and used gentler methods to retrieve the stolen items. Usually free tickets to a ski race and a large supply of Milka candy would do the trick. If the fan still insisted on keeping the item, the serviceman would offer an Austria team ski jacket or a ski day with a retired Austrian star.
BB: What if a skier in possession of a stolen object could not find a willing Austrian fan to accept it?
Mueller: That happened a few times. In those cases they would give it to one of their teammates whose hometown was just inside the Austrian border. That skier was then responsible for selling the item.
BB: How did the Austrian women become part of a theft ring? They seem so sweet and innocent.
Mueller: Their sweetness is the perfect cover. It started about three or four seasons ago as a lark. One of the Austrian women, who shall remain nameless, decided to take Maria Hoelf-Riesch's Milka hat. Maria never missed the hat because Milka supplies its skiers with so many of them. But the nameless Austrian skier felt guilty for hanging onto it and decided to sell it to get rid of it. She made quite a bit of money, which she donated to the OeSV. She was then asked by higher-ups in the OeSV to steal more items and sell them. Pretty soon just about every Milka Girl started missing things like hats, t-shirts, glove liners, pens, and goggles.
Dose: To deflect suspicion from the Austrian women who were either Milka Girls, or good friends with them, others were recruited into the scheme. They were asked to take small items from other women on the tour, not just the Milka Girls, and sell them. But some of the skiers come from very small villages in Austria and would be viewed suspiciously if they showed up in their hometowns with the stolen items. The ladies got together and decided that the best way to get the items into Austria was to hand them off to unwitting fans. Someone in the OeSV invented a homing chip that was small enough to be put onto an autograph card and that's when the thefts really took off.
BB: Didn't any of the women report the stolen objects?
Mueller: No. They were things that could easily have been misplaced. But as the Austrian ladies became more successful, they became confident to the point of being cocky. One of the women started taking small cameras that the sponsors had provided.
BB: When did this theft ring finally get discovered?
Mueller: Last weekend in Garmisch. There were two incidents that blew the theft ring apart. The first was that Tina Maze happened to catch one of the Austrian women slipping a camera into her jacket pocket after downhill training. It turned out to be Tina's little camera. The Austrian skier told Tina, "If you tell anyone what you just saw, I'll have to kill you."
BB: So the death threats against Tina had nothing to do with all of the records that she set this season?
Dose: That's right. Tina witnessed something illegal and the Austrians simply wanted her silence. I can't imagine that they would actually kill her. Petty theft is one thing, but murder is a whole other ball game.
Mueller: The second thing that busted the Austrians was a fan who we will call Rosi. Rosi posed for a photo in Garmisch with one of the Austrian skiers and got a camera as a gift from that skier. When Rosi returned home to Vienna, that skier's serviceman was waiting for her and asked her to return the camera. He offered all of the usual incentives: chocolate, free race tickets, OeSV replica clothing. Nothing worked. Rosi insisted on keeping the camera and told the serviceman that she would go to the police if he kept bothering her. The serviceman left, but Rosi called the police anyway about the camera. It turned out that it belonged to one of the French skiers. The camera was returned to its proper owner. The French Ski Federation gave Rosi a nice camera as a reward.
BB: How many of the Austrian women were involved in this theft ring?
Mueller: After a short time, the whole team was involved. Even skiers coming up from the Europa Cup onto the World Cup had to do an initiation ritual of stealing something, passing it on to a fan, and then later selling it. A lot of people benefitted from this theft ring. The OeSV earned extra money, photographers and printers were employed making autograph cards, and even engineers were given jobs designing invisible tracking devices for autograph cards.
BB: Will the Austrian women be punished?
Mueller: They should be forced to watch Die Garmisch Cops. That should be punishment enough.
Dose: Hey, that was uncalled for! I never made fun of Die Rosenheim Cops, but you are taking every opportunity to slam my show in this interview.
BB: I thought that police agencies are supposed to put aside their differences and cooperate with each other to fight crime. It's a good thing you aren't real policemen or we'd all be in trouble. Anyway, I asked if the Austrian women will be punished for the thefts.
Mueller: It looks like they will not be punished at all for their crimes. In fact, at the season opener in Soelden the OeSV ladies were given a special award for their extra contributions. The Austrian government realized that if this ring were shut down, the whole country's economy could collapse because of all of the jobs it generated.  But if this were an episode of Die Rosenheim Cops, all of the skiers, their servicemen, and the head of the OeSV would  rot in jail.
Dose: If these thefts were a Garmisch Cops episode, everyone involved would be in jail for life. The Austrians would then have to find new skiers who were untainted by this scandal.
BB: What about Julia Mancuso's Go-Pro camera? Was that also taken by one of the Austrians and sold on the black market?
Mueller: We are reasonably certain that Julia's camera was taken by this theft ring. I'm sure it has already been sold somewhere in Austria or even the East Bloc. Unfortunately, Julia may have to buy herself another camera. Nobody has been able to find it.
BB: Is there anything else either of you would like to tell our readers?
Mueller: Yes. You can watch Die Rosenheim Cops Tuesday nights at 17.25 on ZDF.
Dose: You can watch Die Garmisch Cops anytime online for free.
BB: Then decide for yourselves which show and which cops are better. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Garmisch-Partenkirchen World Cup Crime Wave

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Slovenian superstar Tina Maze received death threats last weekend in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. In addition, US skier Julia Mancuso's Go-Pro camera went missing. While both of these stories have already been reported by the others, the Blickbild dispatched one of its intrepid reporters to Garmisch to see if there is a connection between these two incidents. We also wanted to provide readers with our unique perspective on these crimes. Our reporter wanted to interview the Garmisch police chief, but he was unavailable. So we found the next best person to interview, actor Jan Dose, who plays Kriminalkommissar Robert Baehr in the ZDF TV show Die Garmisch Cops.

BB: Which program do you think is better, Die Garmisch Cops or Die Rosenheim Cops?
Dose: Die Garmisch Cops was modeled after Die Rosenheim Cops.  But I think that Garmisch Cops is the superior show. Garmisch is also a more famous city than Rosenheim, so people can better relate to it. 
BB: Die Rosenheim Cops has been on the air since 2002. Your show just started last year. Do you think there is enough crime in Garmisch for Die Garmisch Cops to end up being as successful as its Rosenheim counterpart?
Dose: I think so. Most of the crime in Garmisch has to do with either drunk drivers, bicycle thefts, or bicyclists riding on the sidewalk. But there are enough drunk drivers, stolen bicycles, and sidewalk cyclists in Garmisch to keep Die Garmisch Cops very busy for many seasons. 
BB: You are an actor who plays a detective. What makes you qualified to talk to the Blickbild about a crime wave in Garmisch that seems to be striking World Cup skiers?
Dose: Die Garmisch Cops was not my first police drama. In 2011 I was in Polizeiruf 110: Die verlorene Tochter (for those who don't speak German, that means "Police Call 110: the Lost Daughter"). For any show, I must do a lot of research to be able to play my roles properly. In fact, I may be just as intrepid at researching my roles as the Blickbild's research team. I know as much about Garmisch crime statistics as any of the real police officers there.
BB: Nobody is as intrepid as our reporters or research team, though you come very close. If you decide to give up acting, we could find a place for you at the Blickbild. (short pause) As has been reported, Tina Maze received death threats while she was in Garmisch. Julia Mancuso's Go-Pro camera is missing. Does this mean that nobody will be safe when the World Cup races are in Garmisch next season?
Dose: Garmisch is a very safe city. I believe that the ski racers will be safe here next season. 
BB: Let's start with the death threats against Tina Maze. Are there any prime suspects?
Dose: My fellow actors on Die Garmisch Cops and I have discussed Tina's death threats. We came up with two possibilities. The first is either Lindsey Vonn, someone close to her, or one of her sponsors. The second is a Yugoslavian nationalist who hates the fact that his or her former country has broken up.  
BB: Why would somebody who wants all of the former Yugoslavian countries to reunite into one country target Tina?
Dose: Tina is a national heroine and will be the first Slovenian to win a World Cup overall globe as well as smaller ones. Janica and Ivica Kostelic have won overall globes competing for Croatia. Someone who wants a united Yugoslavia would be upset to see skiers from breakaway countries keep winning globes that should be Yugoslavia's. Perhaps Tina's success this season was enough to make this person snap and want to threaten her with death. 
BB: That seems highly unlikely. Everyone I know from countries that were part of Yugoslavia are proud to be from their respective nations. None of them want to go back to being Yugoslavian. 
Dose: You are right. The more likely culprit would be someone who is associated with Lindsey Vonn. It could be a fan who doesn't like the fact that Tina Maze got over 2000 points instead of Lindsey. We are also looking into the possibility of the culprit being one of Vonn's family members or sponsors. 
BB: How can you say that you are looking into this crime when you are an actor who portrays a detective?
Dose: As I said before, my colleagues and I got together to discuss this crime. We are imagining that this is an episode of Die Garmisch Cops and are thinking about how to solve the crime accordingly.
BB: Okay. I'm not so sure about one of Lindsey's fans wanting Tina dead. Lindsey's fans directed a lot of hate toward Maria Hoefl-Riesch after she won the overall globe by 3 points over Lindsey two seasons ago, but never threatened her with death. 
Dose: That's because Maria wasn't close to breaking 2000 points or winning all 5 globes two seasons ago. Maria also did not break the record for number of podium finishes in a season by a woman. Tina did two out of those three things and it obviously made somebody very upset. I also don't think it was one of Lindsey's fans who made the death threats. If Tina were killed, she would be the first and only ski racer to win posthumous Crystal Globes. That is yet another record that Tina would take away from Lindsey. Lindsey's records and legacy are equally important to both Lindsey and her fans. The fans don't want to do anything which will take away from those things. 
BB: What about Lindsey herself making the threats? Tina took something which Lindsey felt was rightfully hers by earning over 2000 points this season and also having a good chance of earning all 5 crystal globes. Those were Lindsey's goals for this season. 
Dose: Lindsey was ruled out as a suspect because she is too busy making the rounds of all the talk shows in the States to discuss how unsafe the course in Schladming was and to show off her surgical scars. The last thing we heard, Lindsey said that she wouldn't even let her dog ski down the Planai. 
BB: But she does have a motive since she is planning to sue the country of Slovenia for her loss of records and legacy. Tina is a symbol of Slovenia. 
Dose: Lindsey has the motive, but doesn't have the means or opportunity. As I learned from playing a policeman and a detective on TV, you must have all three to be considered a prime suspect. 
BB: What about HEAD? Tina skis on Stoekli, which is a small brand compared to HEAD. I'm sure the people at HEAD are upset that a record-setting skier on an off-brand of skis doesn't want to switch to HEAD. 
Dose: HEAD is a prime suspect.  HEAD wanted its skis to be the ones to break the 2000 point barrier and also win all 5 globes in one season. HEAD has stated before that its goal was to take over the World Cup. An athlete setting records on Stoeckli skis is ruining HEAD's plans for total World Cup domination. HEAD has the motive and also the means and opportunity. After all, HEAD was one of Lindsey's sponsors who paid a Mafia hit man to convince the Austrian women to give their Schladming medals to her.
BB: What about one of Lindsey's family members? Her sister Laura is an aspiring writer who has been blogging about being on the World Cup tour. With Tina taking a lot of the glory that was supposed to be Lindsey's, Laura has nothing to write about anymore. She could be upset at Tina for giving her writer's block. 
Dose: Laura is a nice girl whose writing skills need work, but the other cast members of Die Garmisch Cops and I ruled her out. If she can't find the whole country of Slovenia on a map, the odds are even slimmer that she would be able to find the city of Garmisch-Partenkirchen. She also seems to have a hard time driving in Europe, which would make it highly unlikely that she could get there on her own to kill someone.
BB: So you are saying that HEAD is the number one suspect of Die Garmisch Cops?
Dose: Yes.
BB: (pulling out a map of Europe) Can you find Slovenia?
Dose: Of course I can! It's here (points to Slovenia).
BB: It's refreshing to see that someone knows where Slovenia is. (short pause) Now let's talk about Julia's missing Go-Pro camera. Do you have any leads on who took it?
Dose: Lindsey and Julia don't like each other. They had a big feud at the 2010 Olympics. One of Lindsey's fans could have taken the camera to get back at Julia for disliking their idol. There are a lot of US ski racing fans who love Lindsey but don't like Julia. But we are also not ruling out HEAD.
BB: I would think that HEAD is not a suspect because Julia just switched from Voeckl to HEAD. 
Dose: That is why I am one of Die Garmisch Cops and you are a reporter. Someone from HEAD could have taken the camera to deflect attention from Tina's death threats. While the police were scouring the city for Julia's camera, someone else that HEAD hired would have the chance to kill Tina. The two crimes just seem unrelated because one was a major death threat while the other was a simple camera theft.
BB: But HEAD's main Mafia enforcer, Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli, is currently in a New Jersey psychiatric hospital. 
Dose: HEAD has other hit men on its payroll. There are some Russian Mafia hit men who make Vinnie seem like a big wimp.
BB: Do you know how close the real police are to solving these crimes?
Dose: The German police are taking the death threats seriously and are providing Tina with extra security in Ofterschwang this weekend. Extra police officers have also been dispatched to ensure that nothing else of Julia's gets stolen. In the meantime, the police, Interpol, and the Schladming police chief's bloodhound Fido are doing what they can to find the people who made the death threats and stole the camera.
BB: Herr Dose, we at the Blickbild hope that either Die Garmisch Cops or the real police can find the perpetrators. All of us want the athletes to feel perfectly safe next year in Garmisch. 
Dose: We will find and arrest the people who made the death threats and stole the camera. Die Garmisch Cops always catch their suspects and arrest them. The real police do too, only it usually takes  them longer than 45 minutes to solve a crime. But the only thing any athlete coming to Garmisch has to fear next year is being hit by an illegal sidewalk cyclist.
BB: Right. Herr Dose, I want to thank you for your time. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview. 

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Monday, March 4, 2013

Vonn To Proceed With Lawsuit Against Slovenia

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

First of all, the Blickbild wants to wish US skier Alice McKennis a full recovery from the injury she incurred on Saturday. Secondly, we want to congratulate Tina Maze on breaking the 2000 point barrier on Saturday and establishing a new season points record. We won't talk about Tina's record because the others have already done so. Instead, we will present our unique perspective on the records that Tina has set so far this season. Last year Lindsey Vonn's goal was to break 2000 points in a season and she came up 20 points short. Lindsey has been silent since Saturday about Tina. But one of our intrepid reporters was granted an exclusive interview with Lindsey's father Alan Kildow. Let's find out what Papa Kildow has to say.

BB: How is Lindsey doing now?
Kildow: Her recovery is ahead of schedule. She thought that she would have to wait until the end of September to run the Berlin Marathon. But her recovery is going so well, she plans to run the Boston Marathon at the end of next month.
BB: How does she plan to qualify for Boston? In her age and sex division, she needs to run a prior marathon in 3 hours and 35 minutes or less. She has never run a marathon before. It takes about a month to fully recover from a marathon.
Kildow: She is Lindsey Vonn and can go from being a total non-runner to running 26.2 miles (that's 42.2 km for our European readers) in a week, even with torn ligaments and a fractured leg bone. But she won't need to run a marathon before Boston because the organizers will grant her a special exemption to compete.  They are also very impressed with her recovery, just like everyone else in the USA. She will not only win the women's division, she will be the overall winner! 
BB: I see. Good luck to her. (pause) Tina Maze went over 2000 points on Saturday. How does Lindsey feel about Tina's record-breaking accomplishment?
Kildow: Lindsey wants to thank all of her fans for their support after she was injured. Laura has also been by Lindsey's side and has been a great support to her older sister.
BB: Mr. Kildow, please tell our readers how Lindsey really feels. Remember, this is the Blickbild and not the others.
Kildow: I never noticed before when Lindsey was depressed. But now it's very obvious. She has refused to come out of her room or eat. Laura told me that Lindsey has a very red face and smoke is coming out of her ears. Lindsey wails endlessly about how Tina took her rightful legacy from her. As I'm sure you know, records are very important to Lindsey. When someone breaks one of her records, like Tina did, it makes her very angry and depressed. It even gives her stomach aches. We were worried that Lindsey was going to kill  herself on Saturday and we still  make sure that someone is with her at all times. Tina not only broke Lindsey's points record, she also broke her record for biggest margin of victory in the overall standings. I'm sure you can imagine how this makes her feel.
BB: Not really. Most athletes compete in a sport because they love it, not because they want to establish a legacy or break records.
Kildow: (raising his voice) But most athletes aren't Lindsey Vonn! Lindsey knows that she must win or she is nothing! Nobody remembers who is second! That is why Lindsey must be the number one all-time ski racer. Being the best American skier isn't good enough for her.
BB: Now I understand why Lindsey is making the rounds of the talk shows between her training sessions in the gym.
Kildow: That's right. She may have slipped down to number two in the all-time season points standings, but she is number one on TV and in the newspapers. I bet Tina Maze doesn't get the same TV ratings in Slovenia as Lindsey gets in the US.
BB: You might be surprised. Tina is a national heroine in Slovenia. Speaking of Slovenia, Laura mentioned in a previous Blickbild interview that you plan to sue that country. As a lawyer, do you really think you have a basis for suing an entire country for your daughter's loss of records and legacy? 
Kildow: In America we can sue anybody for anything. If Lindsey wants to sue Slovenia, she has every right to do so.
BB: Fair enough. But Slovenia is a country of 2 million people, very few of whom are actually related to Tina.
Kildow: That's where your not-so-intrepid research team is wrong. In a small country like Slovenia, everyone is related.
BB: Our intrepid research team never makes mistakes! We have the most intrepid reporters and researchers in the business! (calms down and pulls out a map of Europe)  Can you show me where Slovenia is located?
Kildow: That's easy! (pointing to Slovakia). It's right here.
BB: I see that being geographically challenged runs in the Kildow family. Mr. Kildow, that's actually Slovakia and not Slovenia. At least you were closer than Laura was when she tried to find Slovenia on a map. She thought that Estonia was Slovenia.
Kildow: All of those little European countries are alike. I can see how Laura got confused.
BB: Anyway, will you be representing Lindsey in her suit against Slovenia?
Kildow: Yes. My research team found several precedents for suing a country. We are demanding $1,000,000 from every man, woman, and child in Slovenia. The country that caused Lindsey so much pain and suffering will pay for what it did to my precious daughter.
BB: That's an awful lot for a country with a per capita income of just under $23,000. Lindsey already got Tina's medals from Schladming. (see this story) She set a record for most medals in a World Championship that will never be broken. Isn't that a good enough legacy?
Kildow: No! Tina took what was rightfully Lindsey's. Now when people mention the skier with the most points in a season, it will be Tina instead of Lindsey. Tina also has the most podium finishes in a season for a woman and can possibly win all 5 globes. Lindsey is the speed queen, but Tina is on the verge of even stealing Lindsey's downhill globe. Before this season started, Lindsey had two goals. One was to get 2000 points. The other was to win all 5 World Cup crystal globes. Because of Tina, Lindsey could not fulfill those goals. The way it's going, she won't win any globes this season. No wonder she is so depressed!
BB: Will young US skier Mikaela Shiffrin also be included in Lindsey's suit? Mikaela is currently leading the slalom standings. She also prevented Lindsey from winning the slalom globe.
Kildow: We cannot sue Mikaela because she is a minor. But we are thinking about suing her parents for being the ones who produced her. Our other option is to wait until Mikaela turns 18 and then sue her. But first we will concentrate on the Slovenia lawsuit before taking any action against the Shiffrins.
BB: Will the trial be held in the USA, Slovenia, or a neutral country?
Kildow: We have a better chance of winning if the trial is held in the US. For some reason, a lot of Europeans don't seem to like Lindsey. It will be hard to find an unbiased jury in Europe. If we can get a jury of 18 to 25-year-old men, we will win easily.
BB: That's probably a good idea to hold the trial in the States. Otherwise, there would be a good chance that the trial would be held in the wrong country since nobody in your family can find Slovenia on a map.
Kildow: I think that Lindsey's fellow Americans will be sympathetic, especially when we bring up her knee injury, stomach aches, and depression. It will really tug at the jury's heartstrings. Even the most macho man will cry after hearing about how Tina stole my baby's legacy. We can make Tina into a real villain because she is a Communist who is from a country on the other side of the Iron Curtain.
BB: Actually, Slovenia was part of the former Yugoslavia, which was a non-aligned nation. If the trial goes forward, how do you expect to get the money from Slovenia?
Kildow: The US will send in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines to conquer and occupy Slovenia until the debt is paid. We will bomb them back to the Stone Age! That will teach those Slovenians, or whatever they call themselves, to mess with my daughter and her legacy. It should be easy to conquer Slovenia because we have more people in the military than Slovenia's total population.
BB: Is there any possibility of settling out of court before sending the Marines to conquer Slovenia?
Kildow: We are currently engaged in talks with the International Ski Federation, or FIS, to convince Tina to give Lindsey all of her points, podium finishes, and globes from this season. In addition, to make sure that nobody will ever interfere with Lindsey's legacy, the FIS could make all of the female skiers give their points to Lindsey. She will get all of the points this season and everyone else will have zero. That's only fitting because everyone is a big zero compared to Lindsey. We may even require all of the men to give their points and globes to Lindsey. They were willing to give her their medals from Schladming. I'm sure that they will also give her their points. If Tina and the other World Cup women agree to give Lindsey their points and globes, we will drop our suit against Slovenia. After the legal action against Slovenia, we will then concentrate on taking action against the FIS for the unsafe course conditions in Schladming that led to Lindsey's injury and also possible action against the Shiffrins for Mikaela being better in slalom than Lindsey.
BB: It looks like you will be busy for quite a while. I hope that you are better at trial law or negotiations than you are in geography. Mr. Kildow, I want to thank you for your time. It was very interesting to talk to you today. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

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