Sunday, November 2, 2014

Ted Ligety and the Stone of Doom

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

 Last weekend in Soelden US giant slalom ace Ted Ligety finished 10th. It was an unusually poor finish for the current world champion and Olympic gold medalist in that discipline. What went wrong? It appears that Ted hit a stone as he was transitioning from the steep part of the course to the flat last section. The others have written about Ted and the stone which shattered his dream of winning the Soelden race for a fourth consecutive time. But we have our unique perspective on Ted and the Stone of Doom. One of our intrepid reporters had the chance to talk to US team trainer Sasha Rearick, who was the one to reveal the connection between Ted and the stone to the ski world. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: Are you 100% certain that Ted hit a stone, which caused him to lose time in the flat section?
Rearick: Yes.
BB: How can you be so sure that Ted didn't just make an error on his own? 
Rearick: First of all, Ted is Mr. GS and never makes mistakes. Also, his ski was damaged. It looked exactly like a Great White shark took a bite out of it.
BB: Uh...maybe you missed the day in school where the teacher showed your class a map of Europe. Austria is landlocked and therefore does not have Great White sharks. 
Rearick: Maybe an Austrian mountain Yeti took a bite out of it. The point is Ted's ski was damaged, which made him lose time in the flat section.
BB: Do you have the ski or a photo of it to show our readers?
Rearick: No. We gave the ski to the Head service people immediately after the race.
BB: So the world will never know if Ted really hit a rock or a Yeti took a bite out of his ski?
Rearick: The Head service people saw the ski and said that it was damaged beyond repair, so they got rid of it. But it is more believable that he hit a rock. A Yeti would have to jump up, bite the ski, and then disappear without being seen by 15,000 spectators and the course workers. The odds of a Yeti biting Ted's ski are extremely slim.
BB: Nobody made any reports to the media about a Yeti biting Ted's ski, so in all probability he hit a rock. How come nobody else reported a rock on the course? Twenty-eight racers came down before Ted and none of them hit a rock.
Rearick: Maybe someone planted the rock on the course just before Ted's run. Marcel Hirscher was in the lead and would go next after Ted. It was Austrian National Day after all.
BB: Are you accusing a course worker of deliberately trying to sabotage Ted so that Marcel would win the race in front of his countrymen on National Day?
Rearick: I have no direct proof. But there was something out there targeting our skiers. Tim Jitloff had to hike up to make a gate and Ted had a poor second run.
BB: But Tim's mistake was on a different part of the course than Ted's. Are you implying that Tim also hit a rock but just didn't report it?
Rearick:  I am sure that is what happened. Something caused him to have a big mistake and the logical explanation was a rock. If he had a perfect run, he could have had a chance to be on the podium. Hitting a rock derailed his dream of a podium place in Soelden.
BB: Maybe he went too fast and missed the gate. Otherwise there would have to have been two rocks on the course, since Tim and Ted had errors in different places. Or there could have been one rock that moved sometime between Tim's run and Ted's. 
Rearick: That is very possible. Something was definitely conspiring against our team.
BB: A rock is an inanimate object. It does not have the capability to think up a plot against someone or move from place to place on its own. 
Rearick: Hey, this is not the first time that a rock messed with our team. In 2012 Lindsey Vonn hit a rock during a giant slalom race in Courchevel and did not finish because of it.
BB: Come on, do you really believe that there is a rock out there that travels all over Europe for the sole purpose of ruining the US skiers' races?
Rearick: Yes I do! Look at the evidence. Lindsey and Ted hit a rock. Tim possibly hit one in Soelden too, but was too shy to admit it. Ski racers from other countries don't report skiing over stones when they ski out or have a mistake. Therefore, the rock has something against our racers.
BB: As I said before, a rock cannot move by itself. How would it get from place to place?
Rearick: It is obviously some sort of magic rock. Maybe another team's witch doctor put a spell on it.
BB: So there is a magic rock that can move itself from one place to another that only targets American ski racers?
Rearick: Yes. It is stealthy like a Ninja and can camouflage itself like a chameleon, which is why the course workers don't see it. The rock strikes when we least expect it and shatters our racers' ambitions. Ted really wanted to win in Soelden four times in a row, but that rock destroyed his dream. He is traumatized!
BB:  How does this Stone of Doom get from place to place?
Rearick: It teleports itself. That's the only thing I can think of. If teleportation worked in "Star Trek," it would also work in the World Cup. Anyway, it has to be the same rock every time. I can't imagine that  more than one rock wishes to target our skiers.
BB: Let me get this straight. You are saying that there is one traveling Naughty Ninja Dream Shattering Trauma Inducing Killer Stone of Doom whose sole aim is to cause American ski racers to make mistakes, lose races, and cause long-lasting psychological trauma?
Rearick: Yes I do, though it does sound a little bit crazy when you put it that way.
BB: It certainly does. Be careful or you could end up in a psychiatric facility for the criminally insane.
Rearick: That rock is the one who belongs in an institution for the criminally insane! It is the one who is going after our skiers and traumatizing them for life by turning their dreams and skis to dust! That rock is practically a psychopathic serial killer!
BB: How can a stone be a serial killer if it has no mind of its own? The only way a stone could be a serial killer is if someone takes it and pounds his victims on the head with it. 
Rearick: You don't seem to know much about this Killer Rock. It serially kills our skiers' chances of winning races or being on the podium. It also kills their minds by traumatizing them.
BB: I don't believe that Ted is traumatized for life because he hit a rock, if that's what really happened. If every skier who had a bad race suffered lifelong mental anguish, the psychiatric hospitals would be full of ski racers. Ted admitted that he made a mistake in the transition and that Marcel would have won the race even without the error. He also said that he prefers to be in the lead and not the chaser, so he was thrown off his usual game. He did not mention anything about a rock or a Yeti  taking bites out of his ski.
Rearick: Ted has always been an excellent sport. He really needs to learn to make good excuses for why he did not win. It's the American way.
BB: I see. By the way, I believe that Ted will bounce back. He has always been very strong and determined after having a bad race. 
Rearick: I hope so. The team is back in the States to regroup. Can you imagine what would have happened if Bode Miller raced in Soelden and the Killer Stone struck him? His baby was there. That baby would have lifelong Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from seeing his father's victory stolen by a killer rock that decided to eat Bode instead of his ski. We are taking precautions in the States to ensure that the Stone of Doom stays in Europe. Head has even loaned us its famous Mafia enforcer Vinnie "The Shark" Razzovelli to keep the Stone of Doom away from our skiers.
BB: I'm sure that Vinne will do his usual fine job of being a bodyguard. He can even tell you about his experiences in the hospital for the criminally insane. Well, it looks like we are out of time. I want to thank you for this interview, which was starting to get absurd even by our  standards. I hope that the US team regroups for its next race, that Ted comes back stronger from his defeat, and that the Killer Stone of Doom doesn't bother your team anymore. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: If our reporters used a Naughty Ninja Dream Shattering Trauma Inducing Killer Stone of Doom as an excuse for conducting a poor interview, they would end up in the nearest insane asylum.

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